Today I got nervous. It didn’t last long, but for a few minutes my heart was racing and my face couldn’t decide between smiling and crying.
Last night a friend asked how I was feeling about my impending departure, and my response was: “nothing.” I felt emotionless. I have talked many times now about my flight to Mexico on Friday and every time I feel no change inside myself. I could be talking about a walk around the block. I expressed more emotion over my ramen the other night. But this doesn’t mean I’m not excited. I’ve attributed this seeming indifference to two things.
First, I have been completely focused on being here, San Francisco, and with the people and activities that have consumed my time. And honestly, I am so happy to say that. I spent the end of Vermont longing for the next step, mentally moved on despite being physically not, and it resulted in some frustration. I haven’t felt that way here, which has allowed me to wholly put myself into this visit. Living for now is why I travel, and I’m exercising that philosophy in San Francisco.
Second, this is just how my life goes now. Another plane, another city, another country – it’s my normal. Sure I took three months to stay put in Vermont, but that’s what travelers have to do in order to keep going. Some people choose to work in Australia or Thailand, I happened to choose Vermont. I didn’t realize that I would start to view my summer as a phase in my journey until a stranger last week asked me what I do. Me: “I travel.” Her, after she recovered from her shock: “How long have you been traveling?” Me: “Almost a year and a half.” It just came out, a year and a half on the go, and I haven’t gone back since. I left my established life at the end of May 2014, and I haven’t reestablished myself anywhere since. In this way of thinking, Mexico City is not a huge leap, it’s just up next.
So why did I get nervous today? Honestly, I have no idea. Maybe thinking about the final motions I have to complete before getting on that plane in 36 hours made me finally feel like it’s really happening. Am I concerned that I got nervous? Not at all. I love it. Because whether or not that’s the reason, it’s the truth: it’s really happening.